Painful Blessings

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Bittersweet Miracles : Painful Blessings

Summary: In only a moment the world can be given and taken away.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: R
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Kevin Harvick, DeLana Harvick, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kevin POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #72 (#47 for me) - Crawl
COMPLETED: December 8, 2007, Revised - January 26, 2008
WORD COUNT: 2,833
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To Zippit for the excellent beta. Thanks so much hun!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok, this one came out of nowhere and just completely poured out. I really love it when the muses get so inspired.
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Jeff Gordon Children’s Hospital - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit - January 5, 2008

It should have been the happiest day of my life, of both of our lives.  How could I possibly know the beginning would also bring the end?  It was all unexpected and unplanned but once we knew the entire fabric of the world changed.  We were going to be the parents of twins and suddenly KHI, racing, and everything seemed to take a back seat for once.  It was six months of hell and happiness all wrapped up into one and I couldn’t have asked for more…except maybe for them not to have come so early….

“The babies.  The babies first, Kevin,” she pleaded with me and against my better judgment I let them finish the caesarian before taking her to surgery.  They were so tiny and so early they probably wouldn’t have survived the delay.  She never would have forgiven me if I’d forced the issue and we’d lost them.  Seems I never could make the right decision when it came to her.  Now I’ll never have another chance. 

Women aren’t supposed to die in childbirth.  It just doesn’t happen, not in a hospital.  Not today.  It’s supposed to be simple: she gets pregnant, you get ready, and have the baby.  No problem, except that’s not the way it went.  Maybe she worked too hard or maybe I didn’t take good enough care of her.  She never should have gone into labor at six and a half months.  It was too soon and they were too small.  Nobody even really knew she was pregnant.  It happened towards the end of the season and we saw no reason to tell.  Honestly, with Ron busy going after the championship, I think she didn’t want to distract the team.

As if it would.

We thought we had plenty of time.  Hell, she was just starting to show!  We were both looking forward to telling people, especially Smoke.  I couldn’t wait to tell him he’d lost out for good and she couldn’t wait to let him know he had to stop flirting with her since she was going to be a Momma….

Bring my hand to my face and take slow deep breaths.  Can’t cry in here.  It’s not sterile.  Gordon came to see us not long after they were born and the nurses eventually had to ask him to leave.  I think they must have made him think of Ella because he couldn’t hold it together.  He hasn’t been back.  Very few have come back…and I don’t blame them. Who wants to see two tiny babies covered in tubes and wires fighting for their lives?

Blink my eyes, the threat of tears pushed back for another time, and look over my tiny angels again.  God they make me feel so fucking helpless.  In the incubator to the left, on a tiny pink blanket is Lana Michelle Harvick and at only one pound eight ounces she’s only a few ounces over her birth weight.  I wanted to name her after her mother, but “Lana” was as close as I could go.  I couldn’t imagine her growing up and having to call her “D.” 

Swallow back my emotion and look to the adjoining incubator and the baby wrapped in blue.  John Paul Harvick is written on a card at the bottom along with his weight that shows he’s still only a tiny bit bigger than his sister.  Stare at the name and bite my lip.  The minute D found out she was pregnant she was hoping for a boy to name after her dad.  I guess on some level her dream came true.  I only wish more than anything she’d been able to hold Johnny just one time.

Take a slow deep breath and try to hold myself together.  I can’t let myself fall apart.  I’m all they have in the world.  Oh, D’s mom has tried.  She really has and I know she doesn’t want to blame me.  I just wish some loose-lipped nurse hadn’t told her D might’ve had a chance if they’d gotten her to surgery sooner.  One look at the babies that barely look like babies and she couldn’t handle it.  Maybe if they pull through, maybe then she’ll be able to forgive me…and them.

Look across the sparkling NICU, all a part of the new “Jeff Gordon Children’s Hospital,” and spot a calendar.  January.  My God, has it really been over two weeks?  Have I really been here this long?  Could I be anywhere else?  I’ve made one trip home, to the house I designed for D and I, and I could hardly stand it.  That was our dream home.  Now I can’t look at it without seeing shattered dreams.  I couldn’t even look at the nursery we’d just finished.  So many things…God she never even got to have her baby shower.  Thankfully Todd’s wife, Ginger, took care of all of that.  I haven’t been able to think of a single thing but our--my--little ones.

Push out of the rocking chair that’s been my constant companion and trail my fingertips over the twin incubators and I have to believe I did the right thing.  God there was so little time and “amniotic fluid embolisms” are so fucking rare.  The doctor didn’t even know what was happening when she suddenly couldn’t  breathe.  All he knew was that the babies were in distress and he asked me to make a choice.  I listened to her and she coded on the way to the OR, killed…by her own babies.  They tried to explain it to me.  Somehow the babies’ amniotic fluid or cells or something got into her blood.  Before they knew it, whatever it was stopped her heart.  They weren’t prepared and by the time they got her to surgery it was too late.

How?  How could this happen?  How am I going to survive without her?  She was my perfect match, the only one who really understood me and could take all my shit.  Since we got married she’s never left my side.  How can I even climb into a car without her there squeezing my hand and how on earth am I going to be able to take care of two tiny babies?  Dear God, how can I explain when someday they ask if they killed their mother?  Oh please just let me get that chance.

Look over the monitors for each of them and I’m so, so scared.  They are all I have left of her, all I have left of us.  What if I lose them too?  Press my hands against the glass, one on each incubator, and pray that the nurses are right and they do know I’m here.  They just look so tiny and alone and I want to hold them so bad.  I want to know that they’ll be okay, that someday I’ll get to see them come home and laugh and cry and crawl around like healthy babies.  That one day I’ll hear them talk and call me Daddy…but not Mommy.  No, they will never have anyone to call “Mommy.”

“Oh hell,” I whisper softly and quickly turn for the door because this time I know I can’t hold back the tears.  Press the button to have the door released and barely make it to the hall before the tears start to fall.  Tear at the sterile gown that covers my clothes and toss it to the ground before covering my face and sobbing like a child.

Feel hands on my shoulders, guiding me over to the chairs, and I don’t fight them.  I’m in no condition to fight anything.  Know he’s sitting next to me in silence and it still surprises me that he, of all people, is the one that has hung around.  Everyone tried at first but eventually they had to get back to life or couldn’t handle it.  Smoke has never been able to handle hospitals and after seeing the babies it was just too much for Shifty.  I don’t blame them.  If they weren’t my precious little ones I don’t think I could handle seeing them either.

Surprisingly, Rick Hendrick has been a hell of a lot of support.  I’d always heard that about him.  Somehow he made sure I had all the best doctors possible.  I’m pretty sure Gordon had a hand in that too, this being “his” hospital and all.  Still it surprised me.  Rick and Linda still come by to check on me and the babies.  That man really does deserve every good thing that comes his way.

Feel a paper cup of coffee pressed into my hands and nod my thanks as the tears start to subside.  One sip tells me this isn’t the hospital crap.  He doesn’t even drink coffee but somehow he still manages to smuggle in the good stuff and I’m not sure why.  Shifty’s called and told me some of what he’s done and right now, I don’t even know how to say “thanks.”

Stare down at my hands and start to refuse the offered sandwich until he threatens to ask the nurses when I last ate.  He really is starting to know me well.  Set the cup on the table beside me and finally accept the sandwich that looks to be roast beef and mayo.  Shifty must have told him that too because I know I didn’t.  Take the sandwich out of the zip lock bag and force myself to take a bite even though my stomach rolls in protest.  It’s probably just because I don’t eat much anymore.  But how can I when in the next moment the rest of my world could be taken away?  And that’s not even the worst part.  The worst part is when I have to think about getting back to the real world.  But thanks to him, I haven’t had to think much about that.

It was only a few days after they were born that Clint called to tell me he’d asked for the spare key to my house to take care of Endy, Bebe, LO and the cats.  Shifty had been looking in on them but he wanted to go back to Kansas for the off season.  This gave him the perfect opportunity.  Honestly I don’t even know how much it all even registered with me then.  It wasn’t until RC called to tell me Junior was inquiring about helping out with KHI that I started to realize what all he was doing, and I still don’t know why.

Raise my head to look over at him typing away on his laptop and I wonder why he’s gone so much out of his way.  God knows I haven’t been able to ask him yet.  I can still barely function.  But he’s looked out for me, brought me food and clothes and found me a room close to the hospital, not that I use it much.  He’s even stepped up to help keep KHI, D’s other baby, up and running.  Though from what Clint’s told me I think he’s enlisted both RC and Rick to help.  To be honest I think that means the most to me.

D and I hadn’t planned to have kids.  KHI was our baby, hers even more than mine.  She loved all the guys who made it work and saw them all as her kids.  It was going to be our legacy, and I haven’t even been able to think about it.  Without him our plans of running Jack and Ron in the trucks next year probably would have fallen through.  He’s kept it all together in ways I know I’m not even aware of yet.  I just wonder how long this unsought help is going to be offered because…I’m not ready for any of this.

Set my half eaten sandwich aside and hunch over to cover my face with my hands again.  God, it’s all too much.  Another month and I’m supposed to start getting ready for Daytona.  Hell, Lana and Johnny may not even be out of the hospital.  How can I possibly leave them?  But even worse is…what do I do when I can take them home?  I don’t know how to take care of babies, much less two tiny preemies.  What am I going to do?  How am I going to race?  I don’t trust some nanny I don’t know and I can’t count on D’s mom.  I swear I’m so jealous of Gordon and Ingrid getting to do it all together.  Who do I have to share this with?  How am I going to do this alone?

“Kev.”  His voice is soft, not pushing, but firm.  “Maybe you should go get some rest.  Lana and Johnny will be okay for a little while without you.”

“How do you know?” I snap back, harsher than I intend.  I’m on the verge of breaking down and I almost choke on my words as I raise my head to look at him.  “How do you know anything?  They can’t be alone,” I whimper as I look back to the NICU.  I should go back.  They need me.

“Because I’ll stay.”

Blink and look back to meet determined, non-pitying blue eyes.  Is he serious?  Why?  He’s one of the only few who have seen them more than once and I’m still not sure why.  I think he’s the only one that calls them by name.  Soft voice as I stare at him, “Why?  Why would you do that?”

“Because you need to sleep.  It’s been days since you’ve slept in a bed and if it means I need to go in there and watch over them for you to do it I will.”  I start to argue but he’s already shutting down his laptop and getting things together.  Watch in a daze as he puts the computer and thermos that must have held the coffee into a large bag.

“June, I—”

“Don’t need to argue with me.  The hotel is less than a minute away and if anything happens I’ll call you or have the staff wake you if necessary.”  Stare into unyielding eyes.  “Now go.  Sleep.  I’ll watch over them.”

Swallow hard and I know I should argue…but I can’t.  I’m too fucking exhausted.  I ache I’m so tired but he needs to understand that it’s not just the fact that I’m worried I’ll miss something.  It’s so much more.  He needs to know.  “Junior, it’s not just needing to know.  It’s…”

“That you don’t want them to be alone.”  Head snaps up at his words.  Can he really understand?  Can he really know that there’s so much I can’t control, so much I can’t fix, but at least I can make sure they aren’t alone.  Nod to him slowly, unable to find the words and he squeezes my arm softly.  “I’ll be there.  I’ll be with them.  They won’t be alone.”

Nod again and look around to find the nurse on duty and wave her over.  My voice is rough and scratchy but somehow neither of them seem to notice or care.  “Linda, this is Junior.  He’s never been in alone before and he’s going to stay with Lana and Johnny.  Can you help him and can you…,” pause for a moment and glance back to Dale for a moment before continuing.  “Can you make sure he’s on the list as family?”

“Of course Mr. Harvick.  I’ll take care of it.”  Watch her look to Junior and nod to him, “Just let me know when you’re ready to go in and I’ll help you get ready.”

I thank her and then turn to Dale to try and explain.  “They won’t let you in alone unless they think you’re family.  I hope you don’t…mind,” I tell him soft and end up swaying slightly as I get up.

“I get it, Kev.  It’s ok.  I’ll be fine,” he tells me and reaches out a hand to steady me.  Eyes lock with his and I can see the truth in them.  “They won’t be alone.  Now get some sleep so you can be there for them.”

Nod slowly and run my fingers through my hair as I pat myself down for my car keys.  “Only need a couple hours,” I mumble to him as I head for the door and find my keys in my pocket.  The hotel is practically in walking distance but driving is still faster.  I just need to rest for a few minutes, to lie down, then I’ll be back and he can go home.

Short drive over to the hotel and before I know it I’m stumbling through the door and onto the bed, falling on it fully clothed.  I’m not going to be able to sleep.  There’s just so much going through my head.  “How can I possibly rest,” is the last thing that goes through my mind as a tear rolls down my cheek and I fall into a deep almost comatose sleep.

A/N: Ok now it’s up to you guys. Would you like to see more of this series? June is already interested in telling his part, but with so many series we figured we’d get yall’s opinions!

These authors spend lots of time to write these stories. If you took the time to read this PLEASE take the time to give them some feedback. Happy writers write more ;-)

Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com