I walked into KHI and I swear everyone looked at me as if I was nothing more than an insect to be scraped off their shoes. I never want to do that again, but I have to walk in there come Jan. 2nd and the next and the next day after that. The only thing that saved me today was Rick and Richard. I don’t even know how they heard. I didn’t want anyone to know, I just…wanted to give KHI an opportunity to get used to me.

I just hope I do it justice. Kelley, hope you don’t mind me leaning on you. You run JRM and I don’t wanna do something stupid like I’m sure I’d do otherwise.

I won’t forget about what I already have. I won’t.

New Year’s Eve and I really could care less. Tired of the celebrations, tired of worrying ’bout the coming year, and nearly forgotten that it’s gonna be January. January’s my own personal hell. Got so much shit to do and then I need to make sure KHI’s good to go.

Midnight’s when people make resolutions. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s not their fault they’re nestled in cocoons of wires, waiting to emerge, and unlike the fair haired images of angelic babes. They may not look it now, but they will be angels sent to walk the earth. Honestly it’s not my place to say, everything is better said in Kev’s entries, but I am so tired of seeing nothing but pity or disgust on people’s faces after they see them.

How’d you like to be regulated to nothing but false hope from the moment you’re born? Give them a chance, if they’re one iota like their parents they’ll fight until they can’t then fight even more just to piss everyone off. There’s nothing typical about a Harvick, why should their babies be any different?

~*~

I saw Lana’s eyes yesterday. Well, the one she could get open. She had trouble with the other. Swear she has Kev’s eyes and Johnny, he has the best blue eyes. I wonder if they’re DeLana’s. She had blue eyes I believe.

Kev said I could stay when they uncovered her eyes. I felt out of place but it was good to see Kev be really happy about something again.

I “started” at KHI yesterday today.

… …

Who am I kidding? I’ve basically lived at KHI while everyone’s been gone, familiarizing myself with the business deals DeLana had going, the layout of the shop, etc. I settled on the conference room I’ll be using. It’s tucked to the side, practically unused. I won’t work in their offices.

The language of business is the same as JRM and thank you Kelley for helping me translate. DeLana doesn’t have sponsor appearances like Richard, but Kevin does. I don’t know what to do about that. Got enough on my plate as Mike keeps reminding me. Really no way I can do any of ‘em?

He doesn’t deserve to have to deal with all that shit. And yeah, yeah, my low profile regarding the whole KHI situation will be blown. Can’t we just say I’m offering to help out? Sponsors get a bargain anyway if I show up. We put the right spin, the media’ll lap it up without question. No offense Mike. And yeah, I’ll probably lose days off, but just do it.

Conflicts with JRM, about those…tell them I’m devoted to them but they gotta understand family comes before business right now.

This is gonna be harder than I thought. Got home after the commercial shoot and drove out here. Too tired to drive the hour home and hell it’s a good thing Clint’s in Daytona. He’d probably demand I head over to his place or come by and pick me up himself. Crashed there too many times already. He’s a persistent shit. Good thing he doesn’t know I’ve crashed at KHI enough times to be prepared.

Goddamnit, who knew it was this far?

It was my first time alone with the babies today. Kev wasn’t hovering and the nurses only check in every now and then.

Something sorta broke…. I told them all ’bout KHI and the racing. When I ran out of things to say there, I talked about their daddy and how worried I am about them and him. I whispered most of that last bit to them. I didn’t want any of it to get back to Kev through the nurses.

~*~

It’s harder being at KHI than I thought. The sheer amount of stuff I have to go through and decipher and figure out where it was all headed. I don’t know. I been sleeping less in an effort to try and get all caught up, but the paperwork never seems to end.

Kev held Johnny yesterday. I wish I could’ve been there. Would’ve been great to see them outside those little plastic fish bowls they got them in. Yeah, I know they need them, but it only reinforces how fragile they are.

I’d joked about being there when he first held either one of them, but at least I know things’re looking up for them in small ways. I wonder if this is what it’s like to actually have kids of your own, wanting to be there every moment so you don’t miss out on anything.

I think I’m gonna head down to Daytona and peek at the testing. Going cross eyed with the paperwork and getting claustrophobic in that office. I chose it, but sometimes not even an ipod can block out everything. Ain’t many that bother coming to see me. Think the sweet gal of a secretary has taken pity on me. She mother hens me to eat and all that. Even barricading me out of my makeshift office at one point when she swore I’d been there for 48 hours straight.

She’s been the best to me. She knows I sometimes crash there and I thank her for not spilling the beans to everyone else. Don’t care to think ’bout the nasty things that could be lying in wait for me if everyone else knew.

I don’t know how he does it….

I went to go see them after getting home from Daytona on Monday and Johnny had developed a pushed out little tummy which was a sign of bad things. I’m not gonna go into the medical jargon here, it’s on Kev’s. Just the day before, Kev had “kangaroo” held him. I don’t know if I could be at the hospital constantly, stomaching the ups and downs without going a little bit insane, because today, Johnny was better. They got it in time and with the antibiotics they’ve got him on he should be good to go.

I shouldn’t get so caught up in them. Kelley, you can shut it. I know. Tell me you don’t look at Karsyn and Kennedy and think about what if?

I’m just helping out. I’ll step aside when it’s time. Promise.

Truck testing this weekend and damnit, I wish I could go with them. I’ll stop by after Sound and Speed. I’m just glad everyone’s focused on keeping the teams moving. Don’t care what they think as long as they work.

I’ve heard what they say about me and it’s vicious. Things along the lines of hostile takeover, that I’m running the company into the ground, making KHI less competitive, etc. They’re hurt and grieving and I’m the easy target. Don’t care right now. They can say whatever, all I care about are the on track results.

And yeah, Kelley, I know, I’m just ignoring it for the right now and it’ll hit me later. I know, okay? Do you think you could get me listings for some places down around the shop? I don’t wanna impose on Clint much more and I can afford an apartment.

Dude…WHERE’S THE AMP???

Mike, we’re officially bringing a case of Amp wherever I go.

~*~

Trucks seem to be doing good. Near the top of the speed charts and figuring out everything they need to for the season.

What’s the appeal of a truck team?

Kelley, why don’t we have a truck team?

Wish testing hadn’t come so soon for Kev. He shouldn’t be here, he should be back home with those babies. Surprised he didn’t have plans to go back tonight, but I can tell he won’t make that same mistake again.

Brought beer over to his room and drank with him in silence. Didn’t drink that much cause someone’s gotta take care of him. He’s tucked into the hotel bed right now and I’m sitting in a chair in his room typing this. Wish those stupid speakers had worked. At least the web cams did, but I don’t know what good they did. They only seemed to make him even more worried. Stupid nurses wouldn’t say anything over the phone either. I should talk to Jeff ’bout that. If Kev can’t be there he should at least be able to know everything that’s happening.

~*~

Hey, Mike? Thanks for finding someplace that could get it all made up so quick. Know you got enough crap of mine to deal with. Yeah, I know I gotta be careful not to have the fans notice. Can’t believe they even got my design to work. Barely can even tell their initials are in there. Perfect.

Guess there’s good reason Santa Claus is old Saint Nick. Let’s just hope this “saint” of children can help these little ones.