Day 3 – December 24, Christmas Eve
Ξ December 25th, 2007 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Babies, Clint, DeLana, Johnny, Junior, Lana, Other People, RC |
They tell me it’s Christmas Eve. To be honest, I wouldn’t know. No time for things like that. Not even time to sleep. Can’t sleep, not when one of them might need me. Only writing this now cuz a nurse, Amanda I think, gave me the notebook and said it might be good for me to write down everything that’s going on. Said that most families keep a journal. I just wonder if it’s to remember what they lost or to look back on what they’ve overcome.
Either way I’ve got it now and I need to do something to keep from going insane. So here’s my account of my first three days in hell.
I didn’t even get to hold Lana or Johnny before they brought them in this place and hooked them all up, sealing them away from the world. I haven’t even gotten to see their eyes because they’re all covered up to protect them from the bluish-purple lights they’re under to keep them from getting jaundiced. The doctors said they bruise from being born and their livers aren’t developed enough to break down the byproducts. So they have to be under the UVA lights to help them with that.
I still can’t believe all I’ve learned in just a few days. IVs, transfusions, humidifiers, blood gas levels and oximeters, ventilators, umbilical lines, transfusions…they’re so tiny, how can they possibly handle all this? I’ve been told they’re both critical, that there’s no guarantees…as if I needed anyone to remind me of that. I’ve already lost everything that ever mattered to me. I’ve already lost so much, I don’t need some nurse trying to “prepare me for the worst.”
As for my little angels, I guess I should write down every thing, though it’s not like I could ever forget.
John Paul Harvick was “born first” by caesarian Dec 22 at 1:52am and weighed 1lb 8 oz. He’s already lost some of that though. He measured 12 inches long. Can you believe that? My son, only a foot long. I’ve seen Smoke eat sandwiches bigger. Lana Michelle Harvick was born 3 minutes later at 1:55am and weighed 1lb 5 oz. She was only 10 3/4 inches long and she’s had a hard time from the beginning. They both have. But shortly after they…got her, she stopped breathing and it’s been touch and go ever since.
They’ve been through so much already, scans, transfusions, needles dozens of times a day. They’ve even had a few visitors, though I don’t know if they’ll be back. Clint was one of the first here, wanting to check us but from the look in his eyes when he finally did see them…I dunno that he’ll be back, in the NICU if at all. He did take my phone to answer calls though. It’s been too overwhelming trying to stay with them when everyone D or I’ve ever known seems to be trying to call. Now that Joyce won’t can’t be here…
I don’t blame her for hitting me. I don’t even hold it against her for blaming me. I promised her I’d take care of her daughter for the rest of her life and I can’t help but wonder if I could have done more, if I could have prevented this somehow. I just wish that nurse hadn’t told her it was the babies’ “fault.” She hasn’t been to see them since. I just hope she doesn’t continues to hold it against them because thanks to my stellar relationship with my dad…we don’t have much of anyone else.
~*~
Clint did come back by today. He brought back my phone and told me RC’s been trying to reach me. Funeral arrangements need to be made and…he’s offered to help. I signed something Clint brought so RC can do anything he needs. I know he’ll take care of her while I take care of them. Clint also told me Earnhardt took all the animals over to his house since Shifty and Athena need to get back to Kansas for Christmas. Apparently he called to help. I should thank him later…