Keep them in your hearts and prayers.

~Junior

Either way I’ve got it now and I need to do something to keep from going insane. So here’s my account of my first three days in hell.

I didn’t even get to hold Lana or Johnny before they brought them in this place and hooked them all up, sealing them away from the world. I haven’t even gotten to see their eyes because they’re all covered up to protect them from the bluish-purple lights they’re under to keep them from getting jaundiced. The doctors said they bruise from being born and their livers aren’t developed enough to break down the byproducts. So they have to be under the UVA lights to help them with that.

I still can’t believe all I’ve learned in just a few days. IVs, transfusions, humidifiers, blood gas levels and oximeters, ventilators, umbilical lines, transfusions…they’re so tiny, how can they possibly handle all this? I’ve been told they’re both critical, that there’s no guarantees…as if I needed anyone to remind me of that. I’ve already lost everything that ever mattered to me. I’ve already lost so much, I don’t need some nurse trying to “prepare me for the worst.”

As for my little angels, I guess I should write down every thing, though it’s not like I could ever forget.

John Paul Harvick was “born first” by caesarian Dec 22 at 1:52am and weighed 1lb 8 oz. He’s already lost some of that though. He measured 12 inches long. Can you believe that? My son, only a foot long. I’ve seen Smoke eat sandwiches bigger. Lana Michelle Harvick was born 3 minutes later at 1:55am and weighed 1lb 5 oz. She was only 10 3/4 inches long and she’s had a hard time from the beginning. They both have. But shortly after they…got her, she stopped breathing and it’s been touch and go ever since.

They’ve been through so much already, scans, transfusions, needles dozens of times a day. They’ve even had a few visitors, though I don’t know if they’ll be back. Clint was one of the first here, wanting to check us but from the look in his eyes when he finally did see them…I dunno that he’ll be back, in the NICU if at all. He did take my phone to answer calls though. It’s been too overwhelming trying to stay with them when everyone D or I’ve ever known seems to be trying to call. Now that Joyce won’t can’t be here…

I don’t blame her for hitting me. I don’t even hold it against her for blaming me. I promised her I’d take care of her daughter for the rest of her life and I can’t help but wonder if I could have done more, if I could have prevented this somehow. I just wish that nurse hadn’t told her it was the babies’ “fault.” She hasn’t been to see them since. I just hope she doesn’t continues to hold it against them because thanks to my stellar relationship with my dad…we don’t have much of anyone else.

~*~

Clint did come back by today. He brought back my phone and told me RC’s been trying to reach me. Funeral arrangements need to be made and…he’s offered to help. I signed something Clint brought so RC can do anything he needs. I know he’ll take care of her while I take care of them. Clint also told me Earnhardt took all the animals over to his house since Shifty and Athena need to get back to Kansas for Christmas. Apparently he called to help. I should thank him later…

~*~

They did some more tests and it turns out that Lana has a condition called PDA. They tell me it’s a heart condition where the blood vessels that connect the aorta and pulmonary arteries don’t close. This means her lungs aren’t getting all the blood they should and it could be what was causing the bleed they found. They say this can usually be closed with medication and they’ve already started it.

Johnny’s had a good day today though. He’s still under the UVA lights, just like his sister but he doesn’t look as shiny and puffy as he did yesterday. His red blood cell count was low again so they gave him another transfusion but I’ve been told they both may have quite a few of those before this is all over. It all feels so much like a roller coaster. At least for the moment things seem to be…stable.

~*~

I had a surprise visitor tonight. Honestly, I can’t believe anyone would come by on Christmas, but when I left the NICU to get some coffee, there he was…and for some reason he didn’t seem so out of place. He told me that all the animals were doing fine and that Bebe started chasing the buffalo until the longhorns got involved and scared her out of the pasture. I think that was the first time I’ve smiled in days. The second was when he asked to see them and actually looked at them with something besides pity or disgust on his face.

I know the nurses have been bending the rules for the visitors I’ve had but he’s the only one that’s really been worth the trouble. He stayed for about an hour, asking me about all the wires and tubes and then…actually…talking to them. I’m still not sure why, but it was…nice to have someone to share it with. It wasn’t until Johnny and Lana’s stats were the best they’ve been since they were born that he reminded me what tomorrow was…and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

You’re supposed to be fairly sterile in the NICU. That means you shouldn’t be crying in there. I was barely able to make it to the hall before I broke down and cried and cried and cried. I bury her tomorrow and for the first time…it hit me. I didn’t even realize it was his shoulder I was crying on until long after the tears dried up. Honestly, I think I passed out there on the floor in his arms for awhile. But considering I hadn’t left the hospital in days…

I didn’t want to go. I sure as hell didn’t want to go back to Kernersville. But he was right. I needed to clean up. I needed to get a suit and pack some clothes. Shifty had only really brought me an over night bag before. I needed to really pack, and I needed to get out of that house as fast as I could. Too much, just too much. When will I ever run out of tears? I know I passed out on the way back to the hospital. I was just…so tired.

He wanted to take me to a hotel but I refused until I saw Johnny and Lana were still critically stable. I wanted to stay. But somehow, and I’m still not sure how he convinced me to let him take me to the hotel next door. Apparently there was already a room ready for me. I’m setting the alarm for 3 hours. I need to get back to them before the funeral. They need to hear more about their Momma–

The one who knew everything, who shared everything, the one who was supposed to be by my side until the day I died. I never imagined she could go first. I never imagined I’d ever spend a day without her. Except for road courses. She always hated those. She couldn’t stand being so close and not being able to see me. So those were her weekends, along with testing. But I still saw her after testing, at least most days I did. She just would stay to take care of KHI. Oh hell, KHI….

Can’t think about that now. Not when they’re taking the babies for scans to look for brain bleeds. That’s a common thing for babies as teeny as mine. Tiny little kits. That’s what June called them. Said they reminded him of newborn kittens, especially since their eyes are still all covered up. And why the hell am I writing about kittens when D is dead in the ground?

Can’t do this now. Need to–

But that’s not the big news. The big news is I can finally tell you that right now he has his Momma’s beautiful blue eyes. That’s right, no more phototherapy for my baby boy. They’ve also reduced the humidity on them both. They said they wanted to keep Lana under the lights at least another day. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be looking into her beautiful eyes. I can’t even express…what it means to know he’s looking at me but I have to wonder…what does he see?

I just hope he knows he’s loved. I hope they both do. They do have their first presents inside their incubators now. I forgot to mention that. When I came back yesterday the nurses had put the tiny pink and blue bears inside their incubators with them. For now they’re still wrapped in plastic but at least…they have something. Thank you June. And thank you for sharing these entries. He asked me yesterday if he could and I figured it’d be the best way to let everyone know how Lana and Johnny are doing.

Thank you all for everything.

Honestly I think it was worse for him because he couldn’t stay in the NICU too long. Man does have a soft heart and I think seeing them so small just got to him. He took off when my other set of visitors arrived. I have to admit I was a little surprised to see Rick and Linda Hendrick. But I shouldn’t have been. Those two always seem to be around anytime anyone is in need. I just didn’t expect Linda to be bringing me homemade meals.

I mention all this because I think they’re responsible for our visitor today. Lana still hasn’t been doing well as far as breathing. This morning we had a big scare because her O2 stats crashed again. They were afraid that the PDA had worsened or that she had a major lung bleed because x-rays showed lots of white area that could be fluid. An echocardiogram showed the PDA is closing as expected and the expert that just so happened to show up today found that it wasn’t another bleed. Apparently one of her lungs temporarily collapsed because they were trying to wean her from the ventilator too quickly. They also found a spot in her lungs they thought was a clot yesterday but it turns out that according to the neonatal expert it’s just part of the normal architecture of her heart.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this new doctor arrived just in time. I look back on it now and I remember hushed conversations between Jeff and Rick and quite a few pointed questions about Lana’s progress. So, whatever you did, thank you.

I could tell something was wrong the moment I got to the NICU and that’s exactly why I can’t stand to leave. The nurses were swarmed around Johnny and I couldn’t get scrubbed up and in there fast enough. It turns out that boy is a lot more like his Daddy than he should be. I guess he got tired of the vent because he ended up pulling it out himself.

That really shouldn’t make me smile. Now they have him on a different kind of vent that goes through his nose. This is preparation for getting him on something besides the glucose IV. I’ll keep you updated.

I talked to Clint earlier, he pretty much calls everyday to keep me informed of everything and he told me about Junior helping out at KHI. I’d signed over a lot…things to RC before–after all this happened. Clint let me know that Junior’s stepping in to take care of the day to day operations. According to Clint he made a hell of a speech today. I need to talk to him. Should see him later. Hope I do. He’s doing so much…

June showed up in the afternoon with juice and Chinese food. Somehow he always seems to know when I haven’t eaten. It took a little arm twisting but he got me to take a nap in the hospital lounge. I wouldn’t have done it usually but, since he promised to wake me when they were ready to turn off the UVA lights I decided to take a break.

Still, I was a little surprised to see he was still here when I woke up. He even came back into the NICU with me to see them. He’s the only one that’s been in with them more than once and, I have to admit, it was nice to not be alone when they finally took the covering off Lana’s eyes. It was all I could do to keep from crying the first time she looked up at me.

Junior said he thinks she has my eyes, but I don’t see how he could tell. Right now she’s only really been able to get one open but the nurses say that’s normal and to just be patient with her. How could I be anything else? She’s an angel. They both are.

It turns out, tiny as they are, they can’t handle “formula.” No, the only thing their little systems can handle is breast milk, just one more thing of many I can’t provide them. They’ll have to depend on a “donor,” and the very thought is tearing me up. D should be the one that’s here with them. Not me. D would know how to handle this so much better than me. Hell, at least she could do something for them besides just sit here useless.

It still should be her here instead of me.

I know I didn’t say much about–D’s funeral. I still don’t really want to talk about it but I need to let you know, everything you saw, everything that was done was just the way she would have wanted it and I have to thank RC for that. I can’t begin to express my gratitude, but I felt it needed to be said.

They are starting Johnny on the feeding tube today. Just a few drops of breast milk to try and get his stomach working the way it should. Lana was switched to the nasal vent today to get her ready. Her little lungs are still developing but she’s getting better each day, or at least I think so. I wish you could see how precious she is winking and blowing little bubbles. I’m just glad I can see their beautiful little eyes.