They tell me it’s Christmas Eve. To be honest, I wouldn’t know. No time for things like that. Not even time to sleep. Can’t sleep, not when one of them might need me. Only writing this now cuz a nurse, Amanda I think, gave me the notebook and said it might be good for me to write down everything that’s going on. Said that most families keep a journal. I just wonder if it’s to remember what they lost or to look back on what they’ve overcome.
Either way I’ve got it now and I need to do something to keep from going insane. So here’s my account of my first three days in hell.
I didn’t even get to hold Lana or Johnny before they brought them in this place and hooked them all up, sealing them away from the world. I haven’t even gotten to see their eyes because they’re all covered up to protect them from the bluish-purple lights they’re under to keep them from getting jaundiced. The doctors said they bruise from being born and their livers aren’t developed enough to break down the byproducts. So they have to be under the UVA lights to help them with that.
I still can’t believe all I’ve learned in just a few days. IVs, transfusions, humidifiers, blood gas levels and oximeters, ventilators, umbilical lines, transfusions…they’re so tiny, how can they possibly handle all this? I’ve been told they’re both critical, that there’s no guarantees…as if I needed anyone to remind me of that. I’ve already lost everything that ever mattered to me. I’ve already lost so much, I don’t need some nurse trying to “prepare me for the worst.”
As for my little angels, I guess I should write down every thing, though it’s not like I could ever forget.
John Paul Harvick was “born first” by caesarian Dec 22 at 1:52am and weighed 1lb 8 oz. He’s already lost some of that though. He measured 12 inches long. Can you believe that? My son, only a foot long. I’ve seen Smoke eat sandwiches bigger. Lana Michelle Harvick was born 3 minutes later at 1:55am and weighed 1lb 5 oz. She was only 10 3/4 inches long and she’s had a hard time from the beginning. They both have. But shortly after they…got her, she stopped breathing and it’s been touch and go ever since.
They’ve been through so much already, scans, transfusions, needles dozens of times a day. They’ve even had a few visitors, though I don’t know if they’ll be back. Clint was one of the first here, wanting to check us but from the look in his eyes when he finally did see them…I dunno that he’ll be back, in the NICU if at all. He did take my phone to answer calls though. It’s been too overwhelming trying to stay with them when everyone D or I’ve ever known seems to be trying to call. Now that Joyce won’t can’t be here…
I don’t blame her for hitting me. I don’t even hold it against her for blaming me. I promised her I’d take care of her daughter for the rest of her life and I can’t help but wonder if I could have done more, if I could have prevented this somehow. I just wish that nurse hadn’t told her it was the babies’ “fault.” She hasn’t been to see them since. I just hope she doesn’t continues to hold it against them because thanks to my stellar relationship with my dad…we don’t have much of anyone else.
~*~
Clint did come back by today. He brought back my phone and told me RC’s been trying to reach me. Funeral arrangements need to be made and…he’s offered to help. I signed something Clint brought so RC can do anything he needs. I know he’ll take care of her while I take care of them. Clint also told me Earnhardt took all the animals over to his house since Shifty and Athena need to get back to Kansas for Christmas. Apparently he called to help. I should thank him later…
We had a big scare with Lana this morning. Her O2 stats went way down. Apparently she wasn’t getting enough oxygen from the ventilator and all kind of alarms were going off. Before I knew what was happening they had her off for more scans and it turns out there was a bleed in her lungs. They’re monitoring her even closer to see if she needs surgery. God I hope not. Just from the sympathetic looks on the nurses’ faces I know she’d never survive it. They said it could stop on its own so…I’ll just keep praying. God please don’t take my baby girl.
~*~
They did some more tests and it turns out that Lana has a condition called PDA. They tell me it’s a heart condition where the blood vessels that connect the aorta and pulmonary arteries don’t close. This means her lungs aren’t getting all the blood they should and it could be what was causing the bleed they found. They say this can usually be closed with medication and they’ve already started it.
Johnny’s had a good day today though. He’s still under the UVA lights, just like his sister but he doesn’t look as shiny and puffy as he did yesterday. His red blood cell count was low again so they gave him another transfusion but I’ve been told they both may have quite a few of those before this is all over. It all feels so much like a roller coaster. At least for the moment things seem to be…stable.
~*~
I had a surprise visitor tonight. Honestly, I can’t believe anyone would come by on Christmas, but when I left the NICU to get some coffee, there he was…and for some reason he didn’t seem so out of place. He told me that all the animals were doing fine and that Bebe started chasing the buffalo until the longhorns got involved and scared her out of the pasture. I think that was the first time I’ve smiled in days. The second was when he asked to see them and actually looked at them with something besides pity or disgust on his face.
I know the nurses have been bending the rules for the visitors I’ve had but he’s the only one that’s really been worth the trouble. He stayed for about an hour, asking me about all the wires and tubes and then…actually…talking to them. I’m still not sure why, but it was…nice to have someone to share it with. It wasn’t until Johnny and Lana’s stats were the best they’ve been since they were born that he reminded me what tomorrow was…and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
You’re supposed to be fairly sterile in the NICU. That means you shouldn’t be crying in there. I was barely able to make it to the hall before I broke down and cried and cried and cried. I bury her tomorrow and for the first time…it hit me. I didn’t even realize it was his shoulder I was crying on until long after the tears dried up. Honestly, I think I passed out there on the floor in his arms for awhile. But considering I hadn’t left the hospital in days…
I didn’t want to go. I sure as hell didn’t want to go back to Kernersville. But he was right. I needed to clean up. I needed to get a suit and pack some clothes. Shifty had only really brought me an over night bag before. I needed to really pack, and I needed to get out of that house as fast as I could. Too much, just too much. When will I ever run out of tears? I know I passed out on the way back to the hospital. I was just…so tired.
He wanted to take me to a hotel but I refused until I saw Johnny and Lana were still critically stable. I wanted to stay. But somehow, and I’m still not sure how he convinced me to let him take me to the hotel next door. Apparently there was already a room ready for me. I’m setting the alarm for 3 hours. I need to get back to them before the funeral. They need to hear more about their Momma–
Today has been one of the more uneventful mornings in a long time. Johnny hasn’t bothered his new vent and Lana’s O2 stats are more stable. Her jaundice levels have also gone down enough that they are planning on taking her off the phototherapy tonight. That means I should finally get to see her beautiful little eyes. I just hope everything…stays calm for awhile.
I talked to Clint earlier, he pretty much calls everyday to keep me informed of everything and he told me about Junior helping out at KHI. I’d signed over a lot…things to RC before–after all this happened. Clint let me know that Junior’s stepping in to take care of the day to day operations. According to Clint he made a hell of a speech today. I need to talk to him. Should see him later. Hope I do. He’s doing so much…
~*~
June showed up in the afternoon with juice and Chinese food. Somehow he always seems to know when I haven’t eaten. It took a little arm twisting but he got me to take a nap in the hospital lounge. I wouldn’t have done it usually but, since he promised to wake me when they were ready to turn off the UVA lights I decided to take a break.
Still, I was a little surprised to see he was still here when I woke up. He even came back into the NICU with me to see them. He’s the only one that’s been in with them more than once and, I have to admit, it was nice to not be alone when they finally took the covering off Lana’s eyes. It was all I could do to keep from crying the first time she looked up at me.
Junior said he thinks she has my eyes, but I don’t see how he could tell. Right now she’s only really been able to get one open but the nurses say that’s normal and to just be patient with her. How could I be anything else? She’s an angel. They both are.
So, it’s 2008. I know this is a time many people make resolutions. For me, I think I have people I need to thank. Unfortunately, I know that no matter how I try I won’t get everyone because I know people have done things I don’t even know about. Clint has told me some, about Junior and Rick helping with KHI, about his sister, Kelley, and her little ones completely spoiling LO, I know JG has pulled strings to make my life here in the NICU easier and between Linda and Kim I’m far from starving. But that’s not what I feel I need to tell you about today.
I know I didn’t say much about–D’s funeral. I still don’t really want to talk about it but I need to let you know, everything you saw, everything that was done was just the way she would have wanted it and I have to thank RC for that. I can’t begin to express my gratitude, but I felt it needed to be said.
They are starting Johnny on the feeding tube today. Just a few drops of breast milk to try and get his stomach working the way it should. Lana was switched to the nasal vent today to get her ready. Her little lungs are still developing but she’s getting better each day, or at least I think so. I wish you could see how precious she is winking and blowing little bubbles. I’m just glad I can see their beautiful little eyes.
They’ve started feeding Lana milk today, but just a very small amount. They’ve started her on the same low dosage her brother’s on, not wanting to overwhelm her. She seems to be moving around a little more and this afternoon she was on her stomach. Both of them have started curling their limbs against their bodies and Karen, one of the nurses, said that was a good sign of muscle tone and performance. I can’t even begin to describe how adorable Johnny is when he stretches. Sometimes they remind me even more of “kits” the way they curl and stretch.
Lana was running a low fever today, presumably from the virus. But her bilirubin levels are starting to drop slightly. That’s my girl. Fight it off. Make your Momma proud. She loved you so, so much. I just wish–
~*~
June was here tonight. I think he’s here, most nights. Honestly he and Shifty are probably the two constants I have besides my little angels. Junior takes the pages from my notebook and does, whatever he does with them and Clint calls me everyday to just, talk. I know I don’t spend a lot of time writing it here because this is supposed to be about them but sometimes it’s still so…overwhelming. Sometimes I just can’t stop the tears. I still miss her so much. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve even had the chance to grieve–
Some random things I forget to mention. Johnny loves to sleep on his stomach and today he was very active. He was stretching out his arms and legs and even got his knees up under him to push his little butt in the air. This is the first time I’ve seen him so active. Amanda said it was a good sign he was feeling better and she let me hold him again. He was definitely more feisty than the first time. I wrapped him up on my chest and stroked his back until he calmed down and then he did the most amazing thing.
He looked at me. Oh I know his eyes have been open awhile but you don’t understand. He really looked at me. And for a long moment everything really felt right in the world. He knew me, and he looked at me before finally settling down for a little nap. Swear if they’d let me I’d hold him all day. He’s just so tiny and precious and perfect just the way he is.
Let’s see, more facts. Lana has finally realized that she has a teddy bear and will sometimes reach out to curl her tiny fingers around its foot. She does the same thing with my finger and her grip is stronger than you’d think. As moody as she tends to be, I think she likes to have some kind of connection. I have a feeling when I finally do get to hold her I’m never going to be able to let her go.
In other news Clint’s told me he’s heard KHI is running smoothly. Jack and Ron seem to be getting along great, just like we all knew they would. I just hope they’re giving Junior a hand with the trucks. I really should find time to call them…. I’m worried he’s doing too much. June I mean. I asked Clint to make sure he’s taking care of himself. I don’t need him wearing himself out on my account.
We’ve hit three weeks!!! Another huge milestone and another day for firsts. I got to change Johnny’s diaper for the first time. I know that may sound awful and there was a time in my life I’d have done anything to avoid changing a baby’s diaper. But this is my boy, and just the fact that he’s processing the milk is an accomplishment. He’s still on a very, very low dose as they’re starting his feedings all over but he’s growing, and that in itself is amazingly good news.
I also have some good news about Lana. Today they changed the settings on her vent so that, like Johnny, it’ll allow her to start trying to breathe on her own, kicking in only if she needs it. I know we’ve still got a long way to go with her tiny little lungs, but she’s getting there.
Talked to Clint and he’s taking care of things that I’m not going to mention here now. Maybe later. I just wish I could do more than I have. There won’t be any visitors today I don’t think. Something about media stuff in Daytona or Tennessee. I really haven’t been keeping track. I know I still have some media obligations coming up. I’m just glad I glad I got some of it out of the way…back in December. Not gonna think about that now. Or about Monday. Not when they still need me.
I never thought testing would end. Hell I never thought the plane would touch down in Charlotte. Even the drive from the airport seemed to take forever. All I could think about was getting to them and I couldn’t get here fast enough. I had a fan fest thing tonight but they’re just going to have to deal without me. I’ll be back in the morning to finish testing but tonight my babies need me.
How can they look so different in less than 2 day’s time? Lana is pale and splotchy, the way she always gets when she’s agitated and one look tells me Johnny’s tummy is bothering him. Turns out Lana does have a bacterial infection and they’re taking a culture of her lungs to see if its spread to them. Johnny is primarily back on the glucose IV drip and it all feels like 2 steps backwards. I just need to make them better. I need them to be ok.
~*~
Read them a book I found in the gift shop because there’s only so much you can talk about testing before you’re ready to shoot yourself in the head. June called to check on them and told me fan fest was the usual boring ass questions. Said people seemed to be ok with my absence, not that I really cared either way. Still, it was nice to hear his voice. Clint’s too. His project’s progressing well and he said it should be done in time. I’ll mention it here when it’s finished.
People may think I’m crazy but I swear they’ve gotten better since I’ve been here. I may not be able to kill the bacteria attacking my baby girl but her color is definitely better. And it may be coincidence but Johnny finally was ready for another diaper change tonight. They say there’s no signs of infection with him and it may have just been that it’s taking awhile longer for his system to get fully adjusted to the milk. They plan on trying to continue it again tomorrow.
I know need sleep for tomorrow, but I can always get some on the plane. For now, I think I’m going read a few more chapters. I need them to get their own rest and if I can provide some comfort for them, then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I finally had to crash last night. Fell asleep in the lounge and June must’ve sent Clint after me. He doesn’t usually come to the hospital but there he was waking me and practically dragging me out. Johnny was still doing well when I checked on them and Lana was fast asleep. I still wanted to go back but Bowyer can be as stubborn as Earnhardt when he wants to. He wouldn’t leave me alone until I was in bed. Hell, he probably stayed until I fell asleep. I dunno. But I admit, after a hot shower this morning, I was grateful.
They’re still concerned about Johnny and Lana’s weight. They started giving them both a high fat, high caloric additive to their milk. I just hope it doesn’t make Johnny sick. Beyond that, we seem to be doing ok. I held Johnny for awhile. More later, think I’m gonna go read to them and hold Lana’s tiny little hand.
I think they are getting ready to try to take Lana off the vent. She’s getting really close. Today she’s on 21-23% oxygen and if I remember right 21% is room air. Johnny’s still doing well breathing on his own but I think he’s sleeping more. Linda said that breathing completely on his own could be tiring him out. It’s a subtle difference, but I swear it’s there.
Talked to Clint today and he told me he’s finished his “project.” I’ll have more details on that soon, but someone is getting a good surprise. Clint, we both owe you. Heard from June too. He said that Cale and Brad are doing well in practice. He’s coming back tomorrow and I’m glad. I think the kits miss his singing.
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